how i feel right now

so "success"  and "failure" here seem to change one a day to day...no, minute to minute basis. it's like one second i'll be hating life cause i can't get something or something like that and then the next second i try something i previously failed at and get it, so i'm thrilled. but the road goes both ways so sometimes i'm like  "sweet, i got that!" and then two minutes later i wanna almost in tears. me and the silks right now. i hate them. they hate me too. it just doesn't add up! i can do certain things, but not others. it's getting more and more frustrating. i could cry right now if i wasn't so freakin tired. today i went to members only (which, if i haven't already said is just open time to train on ur own) then i did my 45 of cardio...through all of this my thighs were just about dead from group class yesterday...and then fabric class. i did get to see some progress this week though. i did a 345 wall sit, and was finally able to windshield wiper (which is basically a two handed meat hook) in lyra yesterday. i left that class feeling good. i left silk today having not completely failed for the day, but not feeling good. grrrrrr!! i'm trying not to dll and just go at it tomorrow in members only, but i feel like i've been having the same issue and no matter what anyone says or does, i can't see to get it. :( and it's been a month already? what the hell? when did that happen?? in some ways i feel like i've made good progress and in other ways i feel like i've gone backwards (and these are usually the instances where i get the most frustrated) and lost something i had before i came here. wtf. that so stupid! and it sucks ass! i could scream. or laugh and cry at the same time. again. oh yeah! so yesterday (? maybe it was the day before that) we were doing our splits as usual (it was monday) right and left go by fine, well let me give u a little back story (sort of): when we do our straddles (against a 2-3 inch thick, big mat), jamie will walk around, stand behind us, we do a tiny pull up and she pushes us farther into our straddle, stands there for a bit, then walks away. also as part of this back story, my straddle is not terrible. it's actually pretty close, and jamie keeps saying "it just wants to go!"...well apparently not this day it didn't. jamie came to me, pushed me farther into my straddle, and which point i hit a high note and then involuntarily started crying and laughing at the same time. it hurt. i've been pushed in stretches before, but i guess this was just more then i could take at that moment. i laughed and cried hysterically for a good couple of minutes. jamie though she broke me. it was good though. i mean, yeah, it hurt like crap, but later that night when i had to do a straddle again it was a little closer. so it worked. and according to t my face was a sight to see...i kinda wish i had it on video.
i also did two new things this week; wire walking and flying trap. fun times! i loved flying trap! i even got caught on my first attempt. i feel like i wasn't half bad at it and wish i had done it sooner. i was ok at wire walking...i guess? i don't really have anything to compare it to, but i did do three walks across by myself and i think that's pretty good for ur first time.

i miss theatre. i miss a lot of things and people right now.

now if i could just not feel like a dunce at the thing i supposedly like most and should be the best at. *sigh* f my l. fuck u silks. i hate ur face. for now anyways.