Update? Not really

So I just reread all those previous posts. Woah. I kinda sucked, but I'm so much better now! Like worlds away from where I used to be. This should be an update, but I'm supposed to be getting ready for work. The crappy pay the bills job, not the aerial wonderment. Maybe I should get to that. So really this is the most pointless post ever. But still, I'm gonna post it. So ha! Suck on that! I'm talking to the air. Maybe I should start a new blog that's not just circus related.....T! (U were in all the other posts so I put u in this one) French toast. I wish I had some.

squirrel!

it's been a couple weeks....sorry about that. but things are moving along. with breakdown #1 behind me (yeah, i had a bit of a break down in class one morning...there were a lot of tears, but let's not talk about it), i've been feeling a like i'm on the verge of a lot of things skill wise. i got my crossback straddle back, and i was able to do two tuck rocks in a row the other day (i attempted a third, but had to cheat, so i'm not counting any after 2), and my straight leg straddle ups on the knot are actually full up and down so i feel my regular straddle ups will be there soon! my shoulder (which was hurting one morning when i woke up and hasn't completely let up) is doing much better so far today *fingers crossed*. t took a couple pics for me to send to my mom, and i'll prolly add them here and/or on facebook....or at least the final one. assuming iphoto wants to work, it was being weird when i was uploading the pics and i don't know what that was about. maybe it will just fix itself? in any case i don't hate silks anymore! woohoo!! i mean, i never really hated them, i was just really frustrated and hitting a wall.

i feel like my mind has finally found a groove to sink into. i think part of it is just me letting it go and trying to over think everything. i let go and do my best to just trust the process and where it will and can take me and just keep working. i'm gonna have my straddle split by thanksgiving *knock on wood* if it kills me! i have 3 weeks and not too far to go! yeah, it's gonna happen....i gonna read my book in my straddle. ok maybe not, but i'm really gonna try to push it all the way! as jamie says "it really wants to go!"

holy crap, i just had the biggest brain fart! i have no idea what else i was gonna say. maybe i'll just end this for now. short and sweet! :)

how i feel right now

so "success"  and "failure" here seem to change one a day to day...no, minute to minute basis. it's like one second i'll be hating life cause i can't get something or something like that and then the next second i try something i previously failed at and get it, so i'm thrilled. but the road goes both ways so sometimes i'm like  "sweet, i got that!" and then two minutes later i wanna almost in tears. me and the silks right now. i hate them. they hate me too. it just doesn't add up! i can do certain things, but not others. it's getting more and more frustrating. i could cry right now if i wasn't so freakin tired. today i went to members only (which, if i haven't already said is just open time to train on ur own) then i did my 45 of cardio...through all of this my thighs were just about dead from group class yesterday...and then fabric class. i did get to see some progress this week though. i did a 345 wall sit, and was finally able to windshield wiper (which is basically a two handed meat hook) in lyra yesterday. i left that class feeling good. i left silk today having not completely failed for the day, but not feeling good. grrrrrr!! i'm trying not to dll and just go at it tomorrow in members only, but i feel like i've been having the same issue and no matter what anyone says or does, i can't see to get it. :( and it's been a month already? what the hell? when did that happen?? in some ways i feel like i've made good progress and in other ways i feel like i've gone backwards (and these are usually the instances where i get the most frustrated) and lost something i had before i came here. wtf. that so stupid! and it sucks ass! i could scream. or laugh and cry at the same time. again. oh yeah! so yesterday (? maybe it was the day before that) we were doing our splits as usual (it was monday) right and left go by fine, well let me give u a little back story (sort of): when we do our straddles (against a 2-3 inch thick, big mat), jamie will walk around, stand behind us, we do a tiny pull up and she pushes us farther into our straddle, stands there for a bit, then walks away. also as part of this back story, my straddle is not terrible. it's actually pretty close, and jamie keeps saying "it just wants to go!"...well apparently not this day it didn't. jamie came to me, pushed me farther into my straddle, and which point i hit a high note and then involuntarily started crying and laughing at the same time. it hurt. i've been pushed in stretches before, but i guess this was just more then i could take at that moment. i laughed and cried hysterically for a good couple of minutes. jamie though she broke me. it was good though. i mean, yeah, it hurt like crap, but later that night when i had to do a straddle again it was a little closer. so it worked. and according to t my face was a sight to see...i kinda wish i had it on video.
i also did two new things this week; wire walking and flying trap. fun times! i loved flying trap! i even got caught on my first attempt. i feel like i wasn't half bad at it and wish i had done it sooner. i was ok at wire walking...i guess? i don't really have anything to compare it to, but i did do three walks across by myself and i think that's pretty good for ur first time.

i miss theatre. i miss a lot of things and people right now.

now if i could just not feel like a dunce at the thing i supposedly like most and should be the best at. *sigh* f my l. fuck u silks. i hate ur face. for now anyways.

what would you do for a klondike bar?

so training is coming along...i still can't do a real pull up which is frustrating as hell, but i can do an L hang now (which is where u hang from a trap with ur legs held up at a 90 degree angle) for 12 seconds (i know that sounds lame, but i was basically at 0 when i started the program) and today i did a 3:15 wall sit (up from 1 min the first day)!! hells yeah!! i'm so proud of that! :) hopefully everything will only keep getting better. i felt a little less unstable doing meat hooks (i'm not sure how to describe this, but if ur curious just google "aerial meat hook" and i'm sure a pic will pop up) in lyra and sling tonight...i still can't really do it without a spot, but i think it's on it's way. i give myself two months (fingers crossed) to have that one down. other than that, my hands, and the back of knees are particularly sore lately. i got a silk burn last week, but t gave me some badger balm....i'm addicted! it was great! thanks t. my handstand is better....i guess. i feel like i neglect that. my spits are getting better too. my straddle is almost there! if ur reading that last part going "but i've seen u do splits christi"...it was not square front hips. i can still do turned out ones without much effort, but squaring my hips off in a split set me back so i've been having to "relearn" them so to speak. i'm just glad for that night "off" on wendesdays (well...for now anyways) when i get to go to afro jazz! fun times!! 

now, if only the little fat kid in me would stop being hungry for this crap, i'd be good. seriously. i have been obsessed with trying a klondike bar for over a week and last night i finally decided i need one (and the jingle was stuck in my head...damn! now it's back!). i took my happy ass on down to price chopper and got a pack. i wish the sold them individually. i decided that if i was gonna get them i may as well do the 100 calorie ones. maybe that makes a difference, i dunno, they just looked smaller to me. but i was thoroughly unimpressed. they had a strange taste them. i'm over klondike bars. so instead tonight when we made a walgreens run, i got a snickers ice cream bar. yummmmmm! but i have got to cut that shit out!! sometimes i eat so horribly!! it's not helping anything in my life. i'm just gonna have to lift all that much more weight in the pull ups that i will eventually be able to do. u know what...today during our conditioning we did 4 different kinds of pull ups (not the traditional way) and i was able to do those. not a million of them or anything, but i could do at least a couple. what's up with that? pull ups and are not friends right now. and my hands keep calling me a bitch. they're so rude! ;)

my days are not complete unless i talk to bryan (he's my best friend!) and/or ashley. so this last little message i dedicate to u...i love u both to death!!! 

ashley...duplex! why didn't we know each other better sooner? whatever, we know each other now. giggity. :)

bryan....we've been through so much together and u have always been the best friend that i could ask for!! i can't imagine my life without u in it! bff!! :)

i want it all

so for awhile there, i was not feelin it. physically, emotionally....i couldn't get myself motivated so it was making everything that much harder to and i felt like it was knocking me down. it was no good. that feeling of being a complete failure? it sucks...especially when u've put a lot of pressure on urself to do well. but on the plus side, i'm feelin much better! my ass is still being kicked with workouts and training and conditioning, but i don't feel like i'm failing at it every second now! woohoo!! :) i feel motivated to do things again! yesterday i had my first try at partner acro with lauren (she's in my program). she was basing me and we were able to actually do a couple things which was cool! i'm excited to learn more of that! we are having a joint private in october for it. since we get to pick what we want our privates in for october, i'm doing that along with duo trap, german wheel, and wire walking! it's gonna be fun!!
although it's been a long couple of days, and even though i'm tired, i've been working on pushing through it. i felt like i had a good fabric class tonight even though there were moments where i was sure i was gonna be stuck upside down forever, but i worked through it. i say upside down because i was literally upside down at one point early in the class thinking "holy shit. i am so f-ing tired right now, my muscles are exhausted, i don't even know how my leg is hooked on and holding me right now....how then hell am i gonna get my hands back to the fabric and have the strength to pull myself back up?!?!" i had to hang there for a minute, but i got a little burst of energy and got myself. the rest of the class we basically played a game of add on. i thought i would never make it....but i did. and i past that point of tired to my second wind and ended up having a pretty good class! :) i'm still tired and my muscles don't really like me right now...and sore...and i just realized i still have 5 minutes of abs left to do today. damn. oh well. i just need a song to do them to...."everyone's a little bit racist" done! well, song picked. i'll actually do them after i'm done with this. i wish american idiot had a 5 minute song. i was at the gym today, and put that on while i ran....AWESOMENESS!!!! i love that show anyways, but what a great soundtrack to listen to when i need to get pumped and motivated to move my ass, cause i sooo didn't want to do it at all when i walked in with t, who made me go, thank god! i was going nuts! in a good way...it was a good workout. that's my new workout motivator music! now i just need to do my abs and i can get some sleep before my 9am ass kicking! at least i have afro jazz again tomorrow night (which was tons of fun last week!). now i just need a job and i'll be set. ish.
oh....and to decide what to do this sunday: acro jam, circus/fair going, or drop into a flying trapeze class???? i can't decide. insert blog title here.

wait...what?

since my last post i've worked out (surprise, surprise) and gotten more sore...but that will be a recurring theme this year. after my first trap class my hands were so dead, i can't wait to build up my callouses so it doesn't hurt so bad. u know i went to write this with all these thoughts on what i was gonna say, and they have all currently vacated my brain. so i'll just talk...tomorrow i get to start the day with running class. yay. and it's running outside. i'm not a fan. i don't like running really at all, but at least can we do it inside where it's not all cold and shit? pretty please?? at least i have my lyra and sling class tomorrow night. good times...my hands are gonna hate me, but good times. and in any case it has to go better than the assessment i had to go through. let's not talk about that. 

so this little town that i live in....in this little state. it's kinda crazy...at least to me. for example, at some point before 10 pm the traffic lights don't go anymore. they just blink. this i don't understand. also the roads here are just kinda haphazardly thrown wherever. and some places need signs (ie stop, yield, etc.). then everyone around here seems very big on eating "local" (which means u eat food grown in ur area if u didn't already know), but listen, that's expansive. i think it's a good thing to eat local and organic and all that jazz, but why does it cost more?? ok, i sort of get why organic cost more...except not really because since they are NOT using all the pesticides and shit, shouldn't it be cheaper?? and on that same token, if it's grown locally, and the guy just walks down the street to get it to the market, then isn't he saving on the packing and shipping? so shouldn't that also be cheaper??? i don't get it...and i prolly never will cause i can't afford it. anyway, there's this graveyard that's on my walk or drive "downtown" that always reminds me of the haunted mansion, which u would think would make it less scary, but it actually creeps me out. and i'm not usually creeped out by cemeteries and such. i noticed some of the headstones (as u walk by, cause i don't plan on walking through it ever) date back to the 1700's...that's kinda crazy. i feel like the town of brattleboro was just a pathway and a few farms back then. irrelevant. everything closes early and i've been told the town just shuts down around 3 pm during the winter. fabulous. it'll be freezing and there will be nowhere to go....except price chopper. but i can't drive in the snow. at least not yet. 

i must say though, i often feel a little out of place in the "circus world"....it has not been all i live and breathe for since i was born. i'm no a protege at it. it just worries me sometimes that, while i fit in to an extent, i may never fully fit in. but then again fitting in is highly over rated. i guess i just don't want my circus colleagues to think "oh christi? yeah, i mean, she does stuff, but whatever." it's a concern i have right now. hopefully it will go away. along with all these other insecurities i've been having. shower time? i think so.

Getting to and starting circus school

hey everyone!! so i thought it would be easiest to keep u all updated in how and what i'm doing by keeping this blog. we'll see how long i can keep it up!


so the drive from texas to vermont was....long as shit! i hate driving long distances and will avoid it in the future if at all possible, but at least i have a car here! ashley made the trip with me and we had fun for the most part. especially on our detour to florida to go to disney and see byran (yay!!!!!!) and go to disney world and harry potter world! so disney was amazing, as it always is! wishes was back, which made me happy!! and i finally got to see bryan in block party! holla!! harry potter world was better the second time around because it was farrrrr less crowded. we got to ride the hogwarts ride 3 times!! awesomeness!!! and go into every store except ollivander's (that line was still ridiculously long still, but oh well). then i got to meet some of her old friends in south carolina and she got to meet one of mine and take an aerial class in north carolina. good times. got to see my sister...also good times. and then nyc!!!!! that was soooooo much fun!! i got to see american idiot and in the heights!!!! loved them both!! got to see david, charles, and rakia, and meet some new friends! i looooooooooved it there!


fast forward a little bit to my arrival in vermont. look, i'm from a "big" city, in a huge state...brattleboro is a small town in a tiny state. it's insane to me. this is not a place i would ever choose to live long term...mostly because of the cold (i'm soooo dreading winter!). day one was a little...rough. and so was day two. my mom had flown up to meet me and help me get settled in, but at times i felt she was more of a hindrance. so the room in the apartment i'm renting is....well, not quite what they said it would be. u can only stand up straight in half the room (which was conveniently never mentioned), the "closet" is really a hip height 2 foot at most bar, and the "full size bed" is a twin mattress on the floor. i was a little pissed (actually a lot pissed), but my mom was so mad about it that she stopped helping me unload my car (here's where she was really unhelpful when i needed it), so i had to do it all myself! and i had a lot to bring up to the 3rd floor. fail. on top of this the hotel we were staying at was soooo far and away from what the pics and description were it was insulting. but ok...first couple days were rough to say the least, but after that my mom calmed down a little and we proceeded to find the walmart in new hampshire (which is across a very small bridge from me) and try to get the things that i could not bring in my car or that i suddenly needed with the lack of any real closet. good times...and by good i mean rather frustrating. but whatever, i'm mostly moved in (i still have a little decorating and arranging to do). my mom left on sunday (very tearful goodbye from her...and i cried too, but she was a faucet). i drove back hope just hoping that i would meet at least one good friend and that my roommates wouldn't be crazy in any way that would drive me crazy. i got back to my apt, went to my room, was there all of 2 minutes, maybe, when t (that's his name) and trevor came to meet me...i found my gays! :) i felt better about the friend making situation almost instantly. t and i really bonded, we have become fast friends.


so today was my first day of classes....fun and yet i feel completely flabby fat and lazy. i started out with my first private lesson, which was mostly assessment, and yet i still felt worked after it. and then t and i went to the gym to run...yeah, i need to do that everyday. then lunch (applesauce on top of apple cinnamon rice cakes it my new fav snack!). then a little break before silks. nothing like a silk class to work u the f out. i'm beat and am not too sure how i wrote this blog, but whatever. i did. so there. day two starts bright and early tomorrow (don't these people know i don't really do morning!)...tomorrow will be even more than today....and i still need to try and find a job! what the hell did i get myself into?! this month is gonna be hell, but i know if can focus and work hard it'll all be soooo worth it! (fingers crossed, knock on wood)